Kimber, Aunt Phyllis, and me.

50th Birthday Speech

As I pass my 50th year on earth, I pause to reflect and pass on the wisdom I have gained.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

To those of you who are older, I can only hope to look as good as you when I am your age. But since I don’t now, there isn’t much hope of that.

To those who are younger, I lead you boldly through the quinquagenarian door. Do not fear, for there are many benefits to old age. An AARP membership, discounted meals at Denney’s, the Hoveround electric scooter, and Ted stockings.

I follow in the footsteps of a long line of tough dames, so I know I have but another 40 years or so to live. But I can look forward to growing more cranky and stubborn as time goes on until I finally wear out my welcome completely in April 2047.

Until then, let us travel this life together. And always remember that 50 is the new 40.