logo
Last Will and Testament

Final Words

SEPTEMBER 14, 2011 | PAULA WRAY

Just a few final words before I go under the knife. I'm barely worth 2 cents any longer, don't even have life insurance, and can't get my hands on my 401K, but hopefully I have some sentimental value.

To my loving husband of 9 years who has put up with me through thick and thicker, through income and poverty, through multiple surgeries and CPAP, through cats and dogs, hairballs and complaints, long hours of work and no hours of work, I bequeath:

  1. Sierra, who weighs 25 lbs and digs in his claws when he crawls up on you, and needs an escort when entering the house at night, and requires that you watch him while he's eating. The other pets are already yours. No need to thank me.
  2. My piano and sheet music if you can find them among the stringed instruments piled up in the music room.
  3. My car, or at least the 2/3 paid for, on which you must keep my personalized plate in perpetuity, and may never hog up as much as your last 2 cars.
  4. My 401K (if you can get it from my defunct employer).
  5. My computer where I enjoyed my final days of blogging.
  6. My house which is already yours in spirit.
  7. The $1.23 in my purse.
  8. A mountain of debt.

To my darling daughter, a force to be reckoned with, a woman of passion and determination who knows what she wants and gets it, who could wear we down by the age of 5 to give in to her demands, who has not made any of my mistakes, and has lived life on the edge, I leave:

  1. my DNA
  2. my best wishes and love
  3. anything you want in the house (good luck with that)

I wish I had a million dollars for you, Honey, but be glad you are not getting Don's last bequest.

To Recycled Tents and Hot Air Balloons, Inc I leave my entire wardrobe.

Living Will

If I end up a vegetable or just looking a little peaked, and nobody has made me a job offer, go ahead and pull the plug.

Words of Wisdom

Here is what I've learned in life:

  1. People are basically good. Watch any game show and see how thrilled we are when strangers win.
  2. People care about individuals, but not about groups. Hence we go all out for a little girl in a well, but don't get too excited when a whole race in Africa is being wiped out.
  3. Nobody is as bad or as good as you think they are.
  4. The bottled water companies have pulled off the biggest sales scam in the history of the universe.
  5. People who claim to be Christians should ask what Jesus would do more often.
  6. Don't cry over things that can't cry over you.
  7. Credit cards are of the Devil.
  8. Live your life so you make the world a better place, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
  9. Everyone has something to teach you if you just listen.
  10. Dogs and cats really do love people.
  11. Sometimes bad stuff happens and there is no good explanation.
  12. Happiness is mostly independent of your circumstances, but money does help.
  13. People are way too easily taken in by blowhards on radio and television and at the podium.
  14. If you have a dog, do not hang tinsel from the Christmas tree.
  15. There are always at least two reasonable sides to every issue.
  16. Have at least 2 kids so the 1 does not complain about being an only child for the rest of her life.

That's all I can think of for now, because I am really, really hungry!